My life is going pretty well right now. I have a husband home, taking away the hours of loneliness and boredom that plagued me for six months; I will be starting school in a few months; I've started booking more and more photography sessions; I've lost weight; I've travelled, and will be taking yet another trip next week. I couldn't be happier having my other half by my side and experiencing Europe together at last.
But there's an niggling thought that constantly tickles the back of my mind.
If we had it our way, we'd be parents right now. At least have a one year old; possibly younger. Maybe we'd be due any day. You've read about my struggles in the original Truth post, and I not only feel the desire to keep you updated, but also to talk out some of the internal struggles I've been having since that day.
First and foremost; thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I wrote that post to help ease the burden I had been feeling, and received comfort, encouragement, advice, and empathy in return. I couldn't ask for anything more than to know that there are others who may not understand what I'm going through but accept me nonetheless, those who have dealt with similar issues and overcome the barriers, and the few who are still struggling by my side. You are all such amazing women that I have the honor of knowing.
Writing out my feelings definitely helped in some ways; it was great to hear that my personal feelings aren't ones that only I have, but are shared by women in similar situations. At the same time, it was incredibly awkward to have strangers, family, friends openly discuss my emotions. I'm not overly confident in talking about personal feelings, and this very drastic and sudden switch in social protocol left me reeling on more than one occasion. As uncomfortable as it all was, I did feel better talking out loud to some people. But let me update you on my feelings about our inability to have children up til now.
As much as I do desire to have children, I've come to the realization that I'm only 24. I have plenty of time, I'm young, I'm in Europe, and I'm content with taking care of my husband and two pups. I honestly don't have any desire to add to my responsibilities, especially whilst we have so many travel opportunities. Children make things difficult. I don't like difficult, at least not right now.
I've started contemplating where this need to conceive came from, and I blame the military. Everyone around us marries young, starts having children young, and divorces young. They're all in such a hurry; being 24 without a kid is an anomaly in the military world, for some reason. Once I sorted that out, I realized that the internal pressure [while it does exist] is basically nothing compared to the external pressure that I was responding to. It doesn't help when family [ahem, MIL] constantly asks about children. Settle down, woman. We'll get there at some point.
I recently had a doctor's appointment to start the battle of finding out what our issue could possibly be. I'm already lined up for a multitude of tests, x-rays, future consultations, etc., all of which are overwhelming and a constant source of worry. And while I'm no longer in any hurry to expand our little Brownderson clan, I'm also extremely curious to know what the problem is. I'd rather find out now than in five, ten, twenty years when it's too late.
I'm not giving up my dream. I do still want children, and if we were to find out tomorrow that we're pregnant, I'd be overly excited. But at the same time, I realize that our position is unique and a great opportunity. I suppose you could say that I'm feeling conflicted. In one hand, it's a relief to have a game plan that I can control, but I also feel as though I'm abandoning my conquest. I know whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I also know that sitting back and not doing a single thing to help the future will just leave me disappointed.
That's that. I'm sure a future update will occur at some point, but for now, you can bet that it'll just be the four of us for quite a while.